A Morning Nightmare
by GunPoint
Summary: So, it's Squalo's birthday and Squalo had planned to sleep in. But with the Varia...well, stuff happens. Characters might be OOC. XS is very slightly implied. Questionable crack. T-rated for language.


**So, it's Squalo's birthday and the Varia plan to make it a memorable one. T-rated. This is for Melmel. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope you like! The title's ironic.**

**Dedication:**** This is a birthday (It's tomorrow. But I posted it one day early so Mel can read it since tomorrow is intense Strings practice!) fic for Melody Kang. Okay so yea, recently the school has been on this massive ICT craze and Mel's (and me too) been pretty stressed and depressed. This is for you to destress and relax, be happy and smiley again! Thanks for being such an awesome friend and my 2 year classmate making Year 1 and 2 really enjoyable and memorable! Thanks for so many things that I can't even list or count…so THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. Thanks for being there! You're such an awesome friend and I wish you'll enjoy your birthday even though you've got a spammed String practice. I love ya!**

**Disclaimers: (THERE ARE A LOT OF DISCLAIMERS)**

**#1 – I do NOT own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Credits to Akira Amano.**

**#2 – I haven't actually read KHR in a while so the characters might be a little OOC. Or make that VERY OOC. I'm so sorry if you're extremely particular about it.**

**#3 – This is rated T for the language. Well, Squalo swears a lot, the last I remember.**

**#4 – This story has completely no plot. If you want one, it's about Squalo's birthday.**

**#5 – I might have implied a little XS in this fic. Since it's for Mel and Mel likes XS. Oh well.**

**#6 – You might end up with a rather unpleasant song in your head.**

**#7 – A rather failed attempt at humor (crack?) to cheer Mel up. Read it anyway.**

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

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**Oh, to make this fun, you'll have to listen to the "Good Morning Song". Here's the link! **.com/watch?v=L89IDDq30J8

_**~The night before~**_

"Tomorrow is Squsqu-chan's birthday is it not?"

"_Shishishi._ Birthday destroyers. Anyone?"

"Is Boss gonna do it too? I'll do it if the boss does!"

"Why am I here?"

"Trash. Do anything too tragic to my shark and you all will be dodging wine glasses."

"_Shishishi._ This is going to be fun. Who wants to go first?"

"Me."

"Not me."

_**~The next day, morning~**_

_Good morning, everyone! Good morning, Miss Melody. Are you ready for a brand new day? Yeah!_

"Wha da-?"

_Good morning. Good morning. How are you? How are you! It's so nice to have you here with me today. _

"VOIIIIIIIIIII! Shut that fucking gay alarm up!"

_Good morning. Good morning. How are you? Just fine. Howdy, how do you do? Hello, good day!_

"VOIIIIIIII! Didn't you pieces of trash hear what I said? You wanna be fucking sliced and diced?"

_Now that we're together, learning so much fun. The more of us the better, so come on everyone._

"-the fuck? TRASH! TURN THAT FUCKING GAY ALARM OFF!"

_Goo-_

"GODAMMIT! Isn't any fucking one around?" Squalo yelled. He rolled of the bed, grabbed his sword, stomped up to Lussuria's room and violently kicked the door open.

_How are you? Just fine!_

Lussuria's room was immensely immaculate. The bed was made. Paper stacked neatly on his study table. Beside the table was his peacock alarm connected to loudspeaker. Music was blasting from both speakers turned on to full volume.

"THE FUCK? IT'S ONLY FUCKING TEN!" Squalo said slamming his fist violently against the speakers. "Shut the hell up!"

_Howdy, how do you do? Hello, good day!_

"GOOD DAY, MY FUCKING ARSE!" With a series of violent slashes, Squalo silenced the peacock alarm, plunging the entire Varia mansion into silence.

Squalo knew Lussuria wouldn't be happy about his alarm being sliced and diced but he couldn't care less. It's Lussuria's own fault he didn't turn the alarm off and he could fucking cry to the whole world for all he cared.

As Squalo got back into his bed, he realized the Varia mansion was quiet.

Too quiet.

Hell! The Varia mansion was NEVER quiet. Especially at breakfast.

Not with Levi screaming and whining about his obsession for Xanxus. (Squalo didn't like it one bit. The boss was his and his only.)

Not with Belphegor's creepy laughter that even occasionally freaked Squalo out. (Who wouldn't get freaked out at _shishishi_? Anyway, what kind of laugh is that?)

Not with Mammon- well, Mammon didn't do or say much.

Definitely the hell not with Lussuria and his terms of endearment which whenever directed at Squalo would place Lussuria an inch away from turning into Squalo's own cooking.

Breakfast was always an upheaval, which was why Squalo made it a point to go to breakfast EXTREMELY late.

You'd think being captain that Squalo would show a little sense of punctuality, but heck, rules didn't exist within the Varia.

There would be food left, but usually not enough for Squalo, but hell he'd get into a fight the moment he wakes up just for food. He could always cook something to eat on his own.

"Ahh, fucking idiots! What are they doing? Godammit!" Squalo swore as he grumpily got out of bed, dressed and headed down to the kitchen.

The kitchen was surreal.

The Varia usually made a mess of the whole place during breakfast and didn't clear up after themselves. They usually bullied one of the newbies into clearing the mess for them. Yea, the Varia knew they were assholes but didn't give a shit about it.

But this…was on a whole different level.

The entire kitchen was well, decorated with sharks.

The fridge was decorated, or rather covered, with shark magnets.

There were more pictures of different species of sharks hanging from the ceiling, twirling and swirling in the air.

The dining table and every single chair had carvings of sharks.

The ENTIRE floor was coated with a sea of blue cream.

And the ceiling…was entirely decorated with shark stickers.

However, that was not what left Squalo in shock.

In the middle of the ceiling, surrounded by shark stickers was a glamorously enlarged and photoshopped picture of Squalo with a sign that said "Shark Boy".

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

Best still, Squalo had a dorsal fin and shark's teeth.

_**~Hours later~**_

It was 6 in the evening. Squalo had spent the entire day without breakfast and lunch. (He had, at one point in time, attempted to enter the kitchen to grab food but had received shoes polished with a thick layer of blue cream for his troubles.) Thus, the entire day had been spent sword practicing and Squalo was hungry and in a bad mood.

_Where are those fucking pieces of trash. I'd kill them and eat them._ Squalo was rather annoyed. He was extremely hungry and the Varia were still not back from wherever they went to.

Squalo wasn't used to peace and quiet. He preferred chaos and shouting. As the loudest member of the Varia, it wouldn't be fun to not be able to use his natural talent for yelling.

Squalo headed back to the mansion to shower.

"THE FUCK?" Squalo exclaimed as the bathroom door flew open.

"VOIIIIII!" Squalo had barely enough time to wrap a towel around his body before he was ambushed and dragged out of the bathroom, down the stairs and into the surprisingly, tidied up kitchen. They usually left it until the next day breakfast when they needed the plates and cutlery.

"VOI! YOU SCUM! YOU DARE-?"

"Shut up, trash." Xanxus said calmly, look bored. The front of his shirt was damp.

From dragging Squalo out of the shower.

"Boss- You-?"

"Happy birthday! Squsqu-chan!" Lussuria appeared from nowhere, one hand ruffling Squalo's long, silver hair which was creating a wet spot on the carpet. The other waved a massive cake decorate with candles and suspiciously familiar looking blue cream.

"What the-?"

"Oh my. Oh my. The carpet!" Lussuria chattered away.

"Hey boss! Have you- oh." Levi appeared from the door way.

"How did you like your birthday surprise, sharkey? _Shishishi_!"

"I took no part in this." Mammon declared offhandedly.

Squalo stared.

"I forgot it was my fucking birthday."

"How tragic, Squsqu-chan!"

"_Shishishi. _No matter. We're going to have fun. At your expense."

"Wha-" Squalo didn't manage to finish his sentence as Belphegor pushed the cake Lussuria was holding into Squalo's face.

". SHHHCCCCCUM! BRRRAHHHT! TTHHHHHRRRASSSHHH!" Squalo spluttered, his face coated with cake and blue cream.

"_Shishishi. Shishishi._"

"Oi. Bel-chan, you made Squsqu-chan angry on his birthday." Lussuria waggled his finger in Belphegor's face.

"VOI. YOU BAKA!" shouted Squalo, wiping cream and cake away from his face. "THE FUCKING KITCHEN?"

"_Shishishi._"

"Oops! Do you like it dear Squsqu-chan?"

"BELPHEGOR. LUSSURIA. YOU SCU-"

_Good morning, everyone! Good morning, Miss Melody. Are you ready for a brand new day? Yeah!_

"Oops. My phone is ringing!" Lussuria said happily.

"VOI. THE FUCKING STUPID ALARM?" Squalo growled at Lussuria.

"Oh. That..." Lussuria said innocently. "…was Levi and Mammon."

Squalo turned and glared at Levi and Mammon.

"I took part in no such event." Mammon said and disappeared down the hallway.

"VOIIIII.." growled Squalo.

"BOSS!" Levi yelped and hid behind Xanxus' chair.

"YOU TRASH!" Squalo snarled. "I'll slice the whole lot of you!"

"Shut the fuck up! Have you taken a look at your hair recently, trash?" Xanxus smirked.

_Holy fuck! Xanxus smirking?_ Squalo dashed to a mirror and received the shock of his life.

"VOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. YOU TOUCHED MY HAIR? THIS. MEANS. WAR. TRASH." Squalo snarled and launched himself (along with the flimsy towel. Yes, remember the towel.) and tackled Levi and Lussuria.

"Boss, HELP!" Levi screamed.

"Ya ya, Squsqu-chan! So passionate!"

"_Shishishi._"

"VOI! YOU BASTARDS!"

"_Shishishi._"

"Oh. Squsqu-chan has new vocabulary!"

"SHUT UP! YOU TRASH! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SWORD?"

Why?

The Varia.

Had.

Dyed.

Squalo's hair.

PINK.

"Happy pink-haired birthday, trash." Xanxus calmly stood up and exited the room, smirking.

"VOOIIIII. GET BACK HERE! I'LL KILL YOU ALL! NOW!"

_Good morning, everyone! Good morning, Miss M-_

"FUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!"

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**Yea, so now that you've read it. It doesn't have a plot (as stated in the disclaimer). Thus, I will not be considered responsible for any depression or wreckage of anything due to your disappointment or whatever else.**

**Did anyone get the puns? Or rather the pun (the kitchen part)? Yea, there's this completely filler part. Squalo got what he wanted didn't he? Lots of screaming, shouting and generally chaos. And yes, the alarm song comes back like an unbelievably terrifying nightmare. I'm sorry if you end up dreaming of that song.**

**This is like my first story (-ish?) … This fic is for Mel. Hope it has at least cheered you up, even if it is just a teensy weensy little bit! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELMEL (once again xD)! =]**

**Okay now, PLEASE REVIEW. :9 Thanks for reading!**


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